Just because is one of my favourite reasons to do anything. Cooking pancakes at one in the morning just because. Buying a dress (with pockets!) just because. Going inside a bookstore even if I don’t need anything. Cleaning the house just in my panties. Eating all the blue M&M’s and tossing the rest away. There’s no real logic when the heart speaks. And when you say, you’re my babygirl, a smile stealing across your face, I fall all over again.
Yes, right here is fine. Right here, kneeling before you, taking you in my mouth, tasting and taking. Feeling you tremble, saying, I’m gonna fucking explode down your throat, feeling your words travel down to the heat of this wet pussy, aching and knowing this is where I wanted to be.
I stand here staring at your silhouette, half scared to death that this is as good as it’s going to get. People like me don’t get to have a happy ending, but maybe it doesn’t have to be happy. Maybe it doesn’t even have to have an ending.
Maybe we’ll keep it in media res, in the middle of everything. When I find myself body pressed against you, your harsh breaths in my ear, cum hard and give it to me, I can’t help but let out a whimper, wet and wanting, begging for it: your desire, your hand in my hair, your mercy, and anything else you’re willing to give me.
There are things I want to teach myself: How to keep very still when thinking about you. How to stop glancing at the hallway every other minute, expecting to hear you call my name. How not to overwhelm you with my attention. How not to ask for too much of your attention. There are things I am unlearning, too. For example: Feeling empty in an empty house. For example: Feeling bereft when I’m left wandering from room to room, touching your absence here. And here. And here.
This is my life, I tell myself. Sometimes it passes like this. Sometimes it’s mostly waiting instead of bliss. But does he love you back, whispers my heart, who can be cruel sometimes. I think of the days when I almost have it all. The way you turn toward me when I call. It’s okay, it’s okay, I chant, over and over, on days when my anxieties overwhelm me. This is my life. This is our life.
Because you know what—when I hear you say, you’ve been on my mind all day teasing me, when you whisper in my ear, I own all of you, when you promise me, I’ll keep fucking you hard and deep until you realise how beautiful and amazing you are—what I’m really hearing, underneath it all: A warm place. A soft place. A safe place. The only place I can tether myself to—You. Home.
I want a world of kisses. A galaxy of them if you make it happen. I want the delight in your eyes as you slide down my body, your mouth finding this secret spot only for you, Daddy.
You taste so good, baby. Your groans burrowing themselves deep in my marrow. Cum all over my face while I fucking taste you, please. Your desire making me weak in the knees. Then you come up, a smile on your lips: You want a taste? Do I ever.
And you know I would have happily slid down to my knees, too, spent and in the middle of my own mess. I won’t stop to question what I have done to deserve this—I only have to look at you and the answer is yes.
Thank you for being mine—no, Master, thank you. Because this is mine, every inch of you inside my mouth. Every moan, every hitched breath, every gasp from your lungs.
I’ll look up at you, my eyes saying what I could not—how I want to hear you say, I want my tongue inside you, how I want to feel you growl between my thighs as if hungry for more, always for more.
When you push me against the wall and take your rightful place, when you curl around my body at night with me as the little spoon, when you dip your fingers inside me with a wicked grin on your face, when out of the blue you say, I want my tongue in your ass, when you say seriously, don’t ever think you’re less than anyone—I know utterly whom I belong to.
I want to ride your mouth until my mind goes blank. White heat. When you whisper, you taste so sweet, I am ever lost.
And, after we’re spent, after we’ve come to the edge and back, after I’m shaking and can no longer stand, when you say, I’ve got you babygirl, I’m not going anywhere—that’s where I’m left, that’s where I reside. And when you whisper, kiss me, show me how much you love your Master, you see right through me and there’s no place left for me to hide.
I will always hunger for you, deep inside me where no one else can go. I will always need you, your moans and pleas, your stuttered breaths. The way you sound: an animal keening. The way we go somewhere else without ever really leaving. I take you, this sweet, dark, raw, and ruthless mating, I take you and your promise: I want you to wear my collar.
I am yours, and you are mine. Yes. Here. Now. Always.