I saw you standing naked at the end of the pier, under the rain. I wanted nothing else but to take off my clothes, too, and wrap my arms around you from behind. My breasts touching your back, my hands flat on your stomach. I wanted to feel your buttocks against the soft flesh of my belly, and stay there.
I want us standing at the edge of the water, shivering, unsure, but full of want, still. You went forward and jumped: the wild waves licking your body, a hint of a smile, that abandonment.
I can’t remember now if I jumped in after you, if you beckoned, or if I stood there waiting until you came back and rose from the water, certain that you never want me—but you do, you do.
You said one of the purposes of friends is to be on the shore, watching. Are we friends? I wonder.
Yes, you say. And more than.
I am digging my toes, feeling the breeze in my hair.
Can you imagine how that would feel, you say later on. Imagine, baby. A piercing on your clit. That would never happen, I laugh, my legs opening wider as I feel your breath on my inner thighs.
I bet it would be earth-shattering, you say again, tracing circles with your finger, getting me wet. You’ll always know it’s there. You’ll always feel me inside you.
I didn’t answer. I was busy calling out your name.
I know what you need. It kept echoing in my head. You sounded so sure. How, I kept asking back. How?
Another dark day. I lash out because I can.
Words—they can make you bleed, and I brandish them like a knife, daring you to come closer. Fuck you, I say, with all the venom in me. Fuck this life. Fuck this universe. Fuck everything. Fuck work. Fuck writing. I don’t want to be here anymore. Fuck you, you fucking FUCK.
You take one step closer. Oh, the look on your face. Determined. Undeterred. I take a step back. Fuck. You., I say again, eyes darting, looking for an exit.
You open your mouth. You speak. Baby. I couldn’t move then even if I wanted to, rooted to that moment, responding to that voice, the siren song every submissive knows in the deepest part of their selves.
Standing before me, you pass your hand gently over my whole face…before grabbing me by the throat and bending me over your knee. You are going to count to ten, you whisper in my ear, as you pull down my panties. That’s for saying ‘fuck’ ten times.
Let me go, I gasp. I don’t fucking need this right now. Your hand comes down my ass. Hard. FUCK!, I screamed. That will be twelve now, you say, your palm hot on my skin.
You already did one, shit, I muttered, trying to catch my breath. You chuckle. It doesn’t count if you don’t count.
Then you started spanking me in earnest, waiting for me to speak before you administer the next one. I jerk against your body, fighting with all my might. You put your other hand on my back, trying to steady me. You spank me again.
SIX! LET ME GO! STOP RIGHT NOW!, I scream, crying and shivering. You spank me again. Waited. SEVEN! Christ in hell, just stop, I begged.
That’s right, baby, just let it all out, you say, smacking harder, your hand aching, too. Just a little more, you whisper. Just a little more.
When we got to twelve I collapsed completely. Spent. Free.
Your palms touch the reddened skin ever so lightly and I make a small noise in my throat. Then you plunge your fingers inside me, wet, warm. I moan louder.
You move to cradle me in your lap, gently, slowly. You bring your fingers to your lips. I watch you taste me, still crying, breath hitching.
You caress my hair, knead my scalp. You kiss my nose softly. I raise my face, seeking your lips. Your tongue steals inside my mouth.
We sit there for awhile. I sniffle. Better, baby? you whisper. I nodded.
I know what you need, you say, kissing my forehead. I snuggle closer. You know what I need.
You wanted me to dance, thinking of my bare feet. I am thinking of you kissing my toes, little kisses that go all the way up to my knees.
I giggle, say, I’m ticklish there, but you’ve already figured it out, haven’t you, finding that tiny spot at the back of my knees that made me gasp and launch into fits of laughter.
Stop, I say, breathless but mad with desire for you. You smiled that lazy smile, gathered me in your arms. Then you kiss me and kiss me and kiss me and kiss me. Then kiss me again.
An apology? Just when I think it is so, your fingers are there again, light feather touches that make me laugh and laugh.
Maybe unwelcome—but I saw your face and suddenly I needed a hug.
I took it just now, even without permission.
I stepped away from the desk, the abyss yawning before me.
I went outside to sit under the sun, a cigarette between my fingers. Then another. Then another.
I sat there until I felt the heat burn my skin. Then I sat for some more. My eyes unseeing. My right knee bouncing up and down. The abyss yawning before me.
I got up and walked. Knowing where my feet will go. Knowing I only had to follow.
I stood by the doorway. You are so beautiful, head bent, working. Perhaps reading. Who can ever know? I stood there afraid to say your name.
As if sensing being watched you looked up, started to smile, then stopped. We looked at each other, as we have always looked at each other. In this life. In another life. In the next.
Do you need, baby? you asked, already standing to move towards me.
I cannot find my words. I look up at you, and heavens, I cannot find my words. It’s okay, little one, you whisper, taking my hand and leading me to the bench.
I am here, babygirl, you continued, strapping my wrists, my ankles. You kiss me softly. You know your safeword, baby, you whisper, before moving away.
Then it begins. The paddle hits my ass and I jerk. I endure this one. Then another. Then another. Then I began to scream. STOP IT NOW! I’VE HAD ENOUGH! THIS IS ENOUGH!
The smacks continue. I JUST WANT IT TO STOP! I sobbed. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HURT SO MUCH! WHY AM I BROKEN!
I gasped, crying and crying. Help me, I begged. I am here, baby, you say. Follow my voice. Come back to me. Your hand, I said. Your hand.
And then it was skin on skin, your hand on my ass, coming down again and again, the pain seeping through me.
And when it was over, when we are both naked and you are cradling me and raining kisses all over my face, you whisper, you’re not broken, baby. You’re mine.
I feel your hands cup my breast and touch my pussy. I move closer to your body. Here, where I have always been tethered. Yours, Master, I whisper. You know what I need.