“It’s all right for a woman to be, above all, human. I am a woman first of all.”— Anaïs Nin, from The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Volume I
I have a propensity to fall in love with the littlest things. For example: half of a collar turned up, the ankle of a Matterhorn boot, and a boiled egg. Tomorrow: the word ‘saudade,’ the pages of an old book, and Dinah Washington singing This Bitter Earth weaved into Max Richter’s On the Nature of Daylight.
Quite awkward and a bit terrible at being human, my body is almost always a vessel for my mind (how fascinating and convenient, to be able to bring me from Point A to Point B). At large gatherings, I am that one person hiding in the kitchen petting the family dog.
I am a writer and I often live inside my head. This is entirely important. It is what I do, and it takes up most of, if not all of my day. Fairly complicated, I am possibly a hundred universes trapped in a person.
Perhaps flawed, perhaps more than slightly strange, my capacity to love and want can be intense—I have, on several occasions, been called out for my much-ness.
WHY I AM HERE
I am a submissive. This journal is an attempt to explain what it means to be a woman with my desires. This, too, is an attempt to map the body and to explore language—what are the words for want? For hunger? For the desperation to be held?
I dream of this becoming a safe space to ask the self: what have I lost, and how much? How will I find my way back to my body again?
I am writing about desire, of eros and sensuality, of cities and sexuality, of intimacies and interior spaces.
A LITTLE ABOUT ME
I am in my early thirties. I am Asian. I am a published writer in another life. I have Bipolar Type I, which I am taking meds for. I am a survivor of abuse.
My day job requires me to work in a highly stressful environment at a C-level suite, which involves me leading teams and making tough decisions on the fly. I also work in a company full of men, and in an industry that is not friendly to women.
Most of my waking life, however, is deeply embedded in and dedicated to creative and artistic work, to whom I willingly offer my time and attention. This means I am also often distracted, vibrating with ideas and philosophies, or seeking to make something with my mind or with my hands. I am guilty of talking to myself, forgetting to resurface to reality, and being bad at self-care.
MY LIFE AS A SUBMISSIVE
I discovered I was a natural submissive when I was in my teens, but didn’t have the language nor have a name for it until I was in my twenties. It was probably my foray into reading erotica where I really learned about my sexuality and what turns me on. I have been actively educating myself ever since.
I have played with Doms to get to know myself more. Some of these started online—Craiglist, FetLife, Reddit, you name it, I’ve been there, and everywhere else. I have also been in a few serious relationships that left me with a broken heart.
For more than a decade I kept to myself. And then one day, I was awake again. I said, do not be a fuckwit. But I also said, if you can take the worst, take the risk.
As a submissive, I look for a happy balance of intense devotion and kinky play. I do not find pleasure in being dominated for cruelty’s sake, i.e. I do this to you because I can, and my consent is always needed, even required. When I have a partner I allow him significant control over me with regard to a lot of aspects in my life, but I also trust him a big deal to take care of my well-being.
When I found out about DD/lg a few years ago, I knew that it fit me. Suddenly all the pieces fell into place—why I want gentleness and tenderness, too, even while having a predilection for the rough and raw. Being little means yearning to be nurtured—my Dom acts as a Daddy, where he is a caregiver in and out of a sexual setting.
I also have a slave heart, where I long to be owned by a Master completely. This does not make me a better submissive than everyone else who may only want to confine things in the bedroom—rather, it just makes me more aware of what I want, which is a 24/7 arrangement where I have the opportunity to please the one I love in any capacity I can. Someday I’ll write more about this.
To protect the privacy of people who have been or are currently part of my stories, they will not be fully named.